DETERMINATION TO BE MINDFUL OF STRESS

At Wat Rampoeng (the Northern Insight Meditation Centre), we learned that mindfulness is a delicate balance between gentleness and determination. On one level, we were encouraged to become gently aware, without judgment, of what was occurring in the mind on a moment to moment basis. During meditation, if we were thinking, we were instructed to notice our thinking. If our minds were sleepy or agitated, notice that. It is through this noticing and naming of where our mind goes that we learn to embrace the experience of our lives without distractions blindly pulling us into clinging onto states that avoid our real experiences.

Temple at Wat Rampoeng

Meditation, however, is not a fair weather activity. The general rule of thumb is that if one is feeling relaxed or agitated, meditate. Feeling sleepy? Meditate.  Thoughts flying all over the place, well…mediate. If you are in a positive or a negative mood, meditate. In other words, mindful meditation is a way of training the mind to become more aware, and like any skill, from music to athletics, one has to practice it every day. It is so easy to find excuses why not to meditate, and in our daily reporting to our teaching, Phra Ajahn Suphan, he encouraged us to challenge our doubts and become more determined with each passing day. In fact, at the end of the more advanced retreats, we went into what was called in-determination, where we had to meditate around the clock for a couple of days. Believe me, that takes determination.

Phra Ajahn Suphan

Usually I meditate each day without even thinking about it entering  the practice with a sense of joy. Today, it took determination. It’s been a stressful time. Last week, my sleep apnea  was erupting like a volcano. The first night, around 3 am, I awoke out of breath, with my heart pounding to beat the band. Not being able to go back to sleep I got up and read a book, finally falling asleep around a hour before it was time to get up to go to work. To say the least I was sluggish, but I kept reminding myself that it was all impermanent; that this day would end, and I got through it without it affecting my work or my mood. The next night, awakening at almost the same time, my determination kicked in, I decided that if I was up, I might as well meditate.  A few hours later, after qigong, yoga and both walking and sitting meditation, I had time for an hour’s nap before work. My day was filled with crystal clear energy and my mind was bright. This went on for several days; not getting much sleep but having both a mental and physical clarity that is normally not there. My wife Lucy started calling my Super Monk. I thought that Mad Monk might be more accurate, but it showed me once again the power of the mind. Oddly enough, once my medication was adjusted, and I began sleeping through the night, catching up on lost sleep and not having as much time for my practice in the morning, my days were more sluggish.

For various reasons, this week was very busy and stressful at work. I love working with children and their families at the Tillicum Lelum Health Centre, but with some of the changes at work, I was feeling exhausted.  By Thursday night,  I collapsed into my Lazy Boy for a good nap, only to be awakened by a call from my 96 year-old father saying he had fallen today at the San Francisco Symphony.. He is a determined person who keeps on going, but his balance is getting worse all the time. For those of you who have been following my blogs, you know that there has been a lot of sorrow for me in watching him decline and feeling helpless about doing anything about it. Luckily he wasn’t hurt too badly, but there was a deadness in his voice that was so hard to hear.

By this morning, I could feel the stress barometer going through the roof. I had a long meditation, but it was a struggle. All I wanted to do was create fantasies of escape into various perceived paradises where life would be easier – none of them based on any reality of course. Thankfully, I was mindful of where my mind was taking me, and not taking it all that seriously, but the pull of delusion continued. It’s amazing how strong delusion can be, even when we stare it in the face and recognize it for what it is. Giving up, I went on-line surfing different web sites, knowing full well that it wouldn’t help a bit. I’ve hear that the Buddha once said that if one needs to cling onto delusion, at least do it mindfully. Well, I guess that was me today.

Eventually I jumped on my bike and went for a good ride. Using my muscles, being out of breath, feeling the wind racing past my face, feeling a bit like a boy on his bike again, all that shifted the mood. I can still feel the stress, but somehow it’s not as over-powering. I’m trying to be gentle with myself right now; the rest will take care of itself.