In the previous blog, I mentioned how judgmental my mind was, including demands of my own heart. It was actually a bit deeper than that. When I perceived my heart as placing unfair demands upon me, I saw the image of my departed mother. This came as a shock. For most of my life, my mother and I had a tumultuous relationship. We could be the best of friends at times, and drive each other to distraction at other times. I often felt that I was locked in various ‘mother issues’ that I couldn’t escape from.
A year prior to her death, I spent almost two months on various retreats in two temples in Thailand, Wat Ram Poeng and Wat Chom Tong, and as one could expect, seemed to let go of many issues, stories and beliefs that I had held on to for a lifetime. Literally on the day I returned to Canada, my mother became ill and started her dying process. Within a week my wife and I were down at my parents’ retirement home and spent her last months being a support to both of them. It was both a difficult and a wonderful time. It was so painful witnessing the intense suffering that both my parents were experiencing as their lives were falling apart. At the same time, however, all my old issues with my mother had vanished, only to be replaced by a depth of love that both of us shared with each other in simple but profound ways. Even minutes before her death, our eyes were locked onto each other such that our hearts touched as never before. Since her death, I have never felt any of the old issues returning.
Until this retreat, that is. When I felt my heart making demands upon me, I saw an image of her, which I reacted to by trying to push away. It was disturbing, but thankfully, I was able to acknowledge this without too much self- judgment. The following day, my mother came to me again. This time it felt as if she was actually present in the room, touching my body. There were no demands this time, but rather she was reaching out to me with a feeling of deep love. It seemed so real. Sitting there in meditation, I was filled with gratitude for being able to be open to her and this experience.
After a few minutes I realized that the face that I was seeing of my mother was one I had never seen before. She was a young woman, before I was born. There was a spiritual feeling about her countenance. Her expression was filled with hope and joy, with a longing to escape the difficulties in her home life, to find a new life of love and freedom. I thought I never knew this person; from the time my memories began, I saw someone consumed with anxiety and insecurity. On this day however, I saw her as her true self. What hit me suddenly was that the spiritual quest that I have always been on was an extension of her longing, and that the heart that I have protected for so long was also her heart. We shared the same heart. And I knew that her heart was born of her family, just as mine has been passed onto my children and granddaughter, who as a young woman is already on a spiritual quest.
Tears rolled down my face during this and subsequent meditations. We had been having Dharma talks about Anatta (non-self) – the lesson that the Buddha taught that the image that we identify with as a self is purely an illusion. This sounded good in theory, but I certainly hadn’t expect to experience this as my heart being inextricably bound with the hopes and longing of those in my family over the generations.
Interestingly enough, my mother’s Russian name, Luba means ‘love’. Her Hebrew name, Ahava, means the same. I realize now that this longing was always there, but due to my own pain and protectiveness, I was blinded by false perceptions. Now as I look into her eyes during the last moments of her life – an image that remains as bright now as it did then – I know that it was not just that our hearts were touching in a way that cannot diminish with the end of a life, but that our hearts are one.
Isn’t it interesting that by simply following the awareness of petty judgment, I was able to heal a lifetime of longing by allowing myself to enter the spaciousness of an open mind and heart. The rest took care of itself. Without a doubt, this was the greatest gift I received at the Monastic Meditation Retreat at the IMS, and one that I am truly grateful for.
Buddha Statue, Retreat Center at Insight Meditation Society
Photo by Lucy Frank
Vancouver Island Meditation 